Welcome everyone! It’s week twenty-eight of the “On Being Childfree” blog series and this week it’s Lindsey’s story. Lindsey talks about knowing she didn’t want children and making that choice but still being faced with the suspicion despite being an adult who knows her own mind. Please do read, leave a comment and share as much as you can, I’m really willing this to grow and grow so that we can help as many people as possible who may be going through something similar.
We Are: Lindsey and partner
Home Is: Northeast England
I Do: Lawyer
I read the childfree series and have to say how thankful I am to everyone for taking the time to share their story, I no longer feel alone.
As like many of the stories I have read here, I always expected one day I would feel the burning desire to have children. In my late 20s I realised those feelings weren’t going to magically appear. I felt at peace with this decision and I stopped listening to friends around me worrying about their biological clock. Mine just didn’t seem to tic!
Working within the legal industry I am surrounded by a lot, if not a majority of women, who do not have children and our choice is not questioned.
My partner is 10 years older than I am and we have been together for 9 years. When we discussed that I didn’t want to have children he agreed but it wasn’t even considered or discussed at the start of our relationship. I think your relationship with your partner changes when you have a child but for me, I don’t think I would want it to change. I love spending time just the two of us.
The hardest part is that my friendship group changed over the years with the majority of friends getting married and having children. At that point I felt I didn’t fit in and started to distance myself. It’s extremely difficult to explain to a group of people without offending them, that as a group when they get together they only speak about their children. I am happy for them but I would go to catch ups (which became few and far between) and not be in a position to contribute towards the conversation. Comments would be made for example about the ‘fancy’ holiday I had just been on, or my tidy house, I would never understand tiredness, or the fact that I didn’t seem to grow up – Sunday mornings aren’t meant for waking up with a hangover apparently!
I’ve read about parent regret and I do believe it is real. Weekend mornings for me are going out for brunch, reading a magazine and drinking coffee in a calm and tranquil environment, going to the gym, or waking up with a hangover! I have the choice and the freedom to do what I want when I want.
I’m told regularly you’ve got plenty of time to change your mind, it’s the best thing you can do in life or it’s hard work but it’s worth it. I don’t doubt it’s hard work and I applaud every single one of you who decide to become a parent but as the childfree (I choose childfree because I make a choice) community discuss regularly, I don’t ask why you became a parent so please don’t ask me why I make a choice not to have children. Your face can’t hide the horror when I tell you parenthood is just not for me.
No one prepares you for the social changes which happen around you when you make a choice not to follow the social norm. This is something I have certainly struggled with. Luckily I have a very understanding partner, family and appreciate the online childfree community. My nephew is the apple of my eye too! I’ve made new friends, yes some of them have children! I don’t stop being friends with people who have children but even parents want a night off from the kids, to just have adult conversation.
My partner and I are lucky, we work hard and choose to spend our time, energy and money travelling, exploring and spending our leisure time as we want.
To all of the Mums and Dads out there, please remember your childfree friend who is understanding that your life has changed and your hands are full. We do miss your friendship but life goes on for us, please don’t be upset with us for this, we appreciate you may not understand us.
Thank you so so much to Lindsey for sharing her honest story as a guest poster and sharing her thoughts and views in this piece. As I’ve stressed from the very beginning, this is a warm, empathic platform for people to share their stories, hopes, dreams, fears. Please do read Lindsey’s story and leave a comment if you’d like to and share this series if you know anyone it could help. Together we are making changes.